December 2010 - What the Fuck?

Once again my mind is boggled. Allie was asleep in her bed at home recovering from her second episode of the week. What the heck is going on?

What is an episode? An episode is with Allie complains of tingling in her left arm which then turns into a full-blown who the hell knows what it is. She becomes very disoriented and loses all ability to move her left arm. She also gets the paralysis in the left side of her face (it twitches first). The left side of her mouth droops and her speech slurs. She loses her ability to drive or function in many ways and it causes her a lot of pain - "as if someone is squeezing her arm very tightly.

I feel so bad for her and question where this is coming from - brain healing, some sort of disregulation or possibly something else. Usually after a good nights sleep, she is fine in the morning but..... who knows? As she lie there sleeping - I wonder. The worse parts are when she asks when the pain will go away and the other day she asked me if she will ever be able to work or act or live normally because of her fear of these episodes. That is the pain.

For all intensive purposes, no one knows what a family in crisis goes through. Everyone is under the assumption that she is fine and normal and doing all of the things that normal 20 year olds do. No so.

Could it be panic and anxiety attacks? that is what I am beginning to believe as she exhibits the symptoms of panic attack and not seizure/ She has a final in a class today which may be stressing her out, she just started meeting with a therapist. Plus, she was so excited to be cast in a Brevard Little Theater plan and 3 night before the show, she had an episode during play rehearsal. The next day the director informed her that he was taking here our of the show - fear. It was a crushing blow to Allie and even though she appeared to be able to rationalize it the pain that was in her heart may be to much for her to bear. Fear, rejection, lack of friends. long days with not much to do and no one to hang out with on top of the pressures of school and everyday life.... Who knows? All I know is that she is my little girl and I will continue to search for new ways.

November 24th 2010

Good morning everyone

well it's almost Thanksgiving and everyone in my family has a lot to be thankful for again this year. 2010 has brought with it many ups and downs but thankfully more ups and downs. It's been a year of growth and continued blessings  as we all continue to grow towards full recovery.

Allie continues to grow and makes great strides. As for me, will I have been the lot of personal growth also as I have struggled with some of the decisions I have made with regards to Allie's therapies and whether or not I was doing the right things-it turns out that I was. It is difficult for us to know as parents if we are doing the right things for our children and if we have never had teenagers before, to know what his teenage behavior and what is brain injury behavior. Perplexing.

Allie is working with a life coach who has helped her set goals and has assisted her in her home with many of the organizational skills which you and I take for granted.Some of the best news for this holiday season is that Allie has been cast in a play (after many auditions and many rejections) and she is once again blossoming and growing now that she's back in her element. Thank you Al for giving her a chance when so many have not. It is a Christmas play and that is sort of significant because she truly is a miracle.

There's been a lot of interesting growth in Allie recently and she is becoming much more proactive in all aspects of her life. It is really cool to see how she is now handling adult decisions and making the right choices (at least as far as I can see as much if she lets me know). A few months back I made a questionnaire for Allie regarding how she feels (lonely, abandoned, happy, frustrated) and for the first time I got a very honest insight into what is going on in her mind in which she is going through and for as frustrating as it can be for me at times, it is much more frustrating for her but she's just so happy and so okay with everything that I cannot help but be happy and okay with her.

I guess one of the biggest things I've learned this year is to accept Allie for who she is and how she looks today and to love unconditionally no matter why. Believe me, when you have a brain injured child you have a tendency to view them as how they were before the accident( if it is a traumatic brain injury) and knowing the potential she had before the injury and with my never-ending mindset and perseverance towards full recovery, sometimes you can push a little bit hard-maybe too hard at times. But in the end, if it's done with love, then even if the bad times are good.

It's kind of like trying to open up a rusty gate. In the beginning, when you first push on it, it doesn't budge and even pushes back at you to return to its starting point. But if you keep pushing gently and adding oil (love) you'll eventually be able to get the gate open and functioning again.

So as we approach another Thanksgiving, let me just give thanks for all of you who prayed for Allie and have helped create this massive change in her life through your love and caring.

God bless you all,
Allie's dad

Wednesday Morning, July 29th 2010

Good morning everybody

My posts seem to be getting further and further apart and to me that is great news. That does not mean that there is nothing to report it only means that life is getting more normal around here. Allie continues to grow and seems headed for full recovery just like we had always imagined.

Currently she is working in an assisted living facility waiting tables for the dinnertime crowd is still attending classes at Blue Ridge community college with her mind set on elementary education specializing in the area of special ed. She is such a good soul and really seems to be very happy and content with her life. It's amazing when I think back to what was in it all the progress we've seen to the different phases of her recovery.. I remember how she used to just lay on the couch all day long and watch the same shows over and over and now I'm not even sure she watches television anymore because she always seems to be busy doing something. Now I'm not saying that there isn't more growth necessary but wow. I am so proud of her because she tries so hard as met so much rejection it has overcome the hurt and the loss of pride with renewed spirit and a new zest for life. She understands where she was and she understands where she is in truth be told I believe her when she says that she is actually happier where she is and where she was.

Every time I see her she has a smile on her face and although I'd still have feelings of sadness for what may have been those feelings are quickly overcome by my faith and by her incredible strength and by that bounced in her walk as I see her heading towards me. We had the most incredible brunch the other day while Nancy was out of town and when I look into her eyes I see hope and I know that the day will come when she will be fully self-sufficient. She still struggles in school and has her ups and downs. Organization is still quite a problem but probably it is for many 20-year-olds. It is only magnified and brought to light because she still lives in a fishbowl under the watchful eyes of mom and dad. She starts strong then goes through almost a given uprise us than mom and dad stepped in to remind her of her goals and she finishes strong.

Last night was so beautiful and brought me so much gratitude as sometimes mine gets lost and I forget the miracle which she truly is. Sometimes I want so much for her to succeed that I do not give her the option to fail and sometimes it may be too much for her and that is one I have to seek new ways and new options. I have to learn to speak in a language that she understands and realizing that she may not understand the language which I am speaking to her. I realize that in the end I will either go to heaven or hell for my actions and I am okay with that because I believe in that if I give her the option to fail she will take that option. I refuse to let her play the role of victim although many do. I refuse to put her on social services because if she collects a paycheck for doing nothing, that is what you will learn and that is what she will do. Instead, she is required to go school and she is required to work so that she can create a normal life for herself and understand what it takes to be self-sufficient in the case of her mom and I should suddenly no longer be here.

Last night she came to visit and as I was so tired I went to bed at about nine o'clock. Shortly after she came into the bedroom and gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek and say goodnight that I love you-I'm going home now and I say goodnight Allie I love you drive safe to what she said I always do. After she left I gave thanks to God and let him know how grateful I was giving me back my little girl and for giving me the strength, the courage and inspiration to continue my drive towards full recovery.

Love to all,
Allie's dad

Happy Fathers Day

Good morning everybody

well here it is Father's Day 2010 and I could not be more grateful for the stay. In fact I'm grateful for every day and for all of the blessings God has been gracious enough to bestow upon us. I really don't even know how to begin expressing my thoughts and feelings on this day except to say thank you, for all of the blessings, for all of the lessons, for all of the growth, for all of the change, and for having my family whole on this day.

As I've said before, I have never gone back and reread the blog although one day I too will. There is really only one day or one blog which I can really remember without even having him back to read it and that was the Father's Day blog three years ago. I remember that on that day Allie was on the second floor at Greenville Memorial Hospital. She was out of her coma, and was unable to speak, walk, or do anything for herself but she was alive.

I remember writing, that today there will be no barbecue, no cards, or but that it was the greatest Father's Day that I would ever experience. The amount of love and gratitude and hope and faith and family strength and the love of family and strangers all across the world carry me through that day and no man could ever ask for more.

I have been so blessed in this lifetime and today the realization and actualization of all of these blessings will never be more evident than when I have Father's Day brunch how Allie's house before taking Matthew to his college freshman orientation. I don't know the how or why have long ago stopped looking for the answers. Nancy and I speak often about this blessing and can only make logic of it by accepting that it is God's will for our journey in this lifetime and for Allie's journey.

It is now just over one month in Allie has been living in her own house in downtown Brevard and really doing it this time. She is growing more and more every day and has become one of the most beautiful parts, spirits, and person that I have never met. But beyond that, she understands. She knows who she was, she understands what happened, and she is happy, I mean truly happy with her new self and her new life. Sure she still has some deficits but if I died today, I would die content in the fact of knowing that she would be a will to take care of herself and that she would continue to grow and create a life/the life that she deserves this and that is truly a wonderful feeling. I am just so proud of her because she tries so hard has met with so many setbacks and disappointments and has met each one head-on and with a smile on her face and has continued to move forward overcoming each and every one of them. Today she has a real sense of who she is and she has direction, she has goals, and she has become a self-starter. For anyone out there who has a brain injured child they understand what I'm talking about. Your heart breaks for your child when you think of what could have been, what is and what might be in the future. While I've long stopped thinking about what could have been and maybe that was my blessing because it allowed me to just concentrate and focus not so much on the what is and never on the what could've been but only on the what will be.

I remember looking at her in the hospital with her head bandaged, non-responsive, choose hanging out of everywhere, and just knowing with my whole heart that this child would come back to us while at the same time allowing her the choice to move on and go back home. It gets harder to remember as time goes by all of the emotions that you once felt especially as you watch her grow and become a person again and a person and am so proud of. Today's the day that is beyond my wildest dreams. Allie went grocery shopping with Nancy last night and this morning is preparing products for her daddy in her own house. what a small little thing to be considered such a huge victory but it is these small victories which continue one after another to allow me to see the light at the end of the tunnel but when I consider where she came from even just a few short months ago lying on the couch, kind of confused and in a fog, no friends, no ambition, and always wondering, did I see the beauty in the day and the beauty in the child. I remember before the accident to relationship that Allie and I had. It was not a good one. There was no love there was only anger and trauma and everything in the world was about Allie. My how things have changed since then because the love that I feel for her today, is the greatest love of father could have for a child. It is truly a miracle.

So on the special Father's Day, I would like for everyone to know how thankful I am for all of their support and I would like to send out Father's Day wishes to every father out there.I pray for you and I pray you will receive all of the same blessings which I have received and more.

Heavenly father, on this special day and on every day I thank you for the gifts which you give me and for the blessings which you bestow upon me. I pray you will continue to let Ally grow in the toolmaker growth and her recovery fast and gentle. Thank you for giving me the strength to continue seeking new avenues of growth and for giving me the courage to be the man that I have become.

The biggest Father's Day gift for me is that I have finally reached a place of peace. By that I mean that I can live my day and I do not live in fear that every time the phone rings is going to be a call from a policeman or a hospital or an ambulance or that something is wrong. I was never sure that this feeling would ever go away but with each passing day it is going away and now when the phone rings I am not afraid because I know at the other end of the line will be a happy little voice just calling to say that everything is well and that she is happy and that she loves us and that is the greatest gift I could ever dream of.

My love and best wishes to every father out there, and every family out there. I keep you and hold you all in my heart.

Allie's dad

Tuesday Morning, Mat 14th, 2010

Good Morning All

Today marks the three year anniversary of Allie's accident and hopefully this may be my last blog. It seems like only yesterday when we received the call from the hospital letting us know of Allie's accident and my body still tingles when I think of it. So where do I start?

Let me begin by thanking everyone for the love and support they have offered over the years and for the gifts and cards they continue to send to Allie during her journey. Your love and inspiration have carried us through the darkest of times and has shown us the power of prayer on its highest level. Your kindness and generosity has touched our hearts in places we did not even know they could be touched.

It has been an unbelievable journey and when they said in the hospital to save our energy, because brain injuries were marathons, they were not kidding. The fatigue of the Boston Marathon pales in comparison (not that I ever ran it but..)

This journey, with all of its ups and downs and fears and tears has been and always will be a blessing for all of us because for the first time in her life Allie is happy. Her dreams of Broadway may be gone but again a blessing because Allie has learned to accept herself for who she is and has said that if she knew the accident was going to happen, she would still have taken the same route that night because she has loves the person she has become. Wow.

On the anniversary of her accident Allie is fulfilling one of her dreams and that is to move into her own place downtown. She has lived on her own on and off for the last year and at times we have looked back during her recovery and wondered if what we were doing was right but in the end, I guess it was. All things for a reason.  We have had our issues and continue to overcome them and I am sure there will be more down the road but I now consider them teenage issues instead of brain injury issues.

A few days ago while Allie and I were out at breakfast, I asked her if she considered herself disabled in any way and she thought for a moment and answered that she did not. As we talked I told her that one of the reasons we fought some times and why I pushed her was because I never thought of her as disabled and I was not going to allow her to "play the disabled card" which could happen at times. Nancy and I have become much more philosophical over the years and realize that you can consider this a gift from God or we could have fallen into a victim consciousness and allowed it to ruin us. We choose to consider it a gift and a new journey.

At school, Allie is doing amazing as she just finished up two classes (intro to algebra and public speaking) and got a "B" in both classes. This is HUGE and we are all so proud of her. She drove herself to class everyday and with a little prompting she stayed organized and on track completing all of her assignments on her own. When I think back three years, which is becoming harder and harder to do, I am in awe of how far she has come. She is registered for a summer class and is currently looking for part-time work.

Today Allie dreams of sharing her love for children by becoming a special ed. elementary school teacher. She still sings at times and continues to make me watch America's Next Top Model with her and I love every minute of it.

It is so weird. As Allie continues to grow, she of course becomes more independent and less needy. I find that I miss the days when we would just get in the car to drive and we would spend hours just talking and driving but for as much as I miss our time together, I am just so proud of the way she continues to face life head on with enthusiasm and courage.It is interesting to see how the student has become the teacher because she has taught me so much more than I have taught her.

Although we have gone through the worst of it and God has seen fit to bless us with the return of our daughter and Full Recover is a reality, there are the everyday reminders which follow us day to day as we continue the process; probably the worst being that every time a phone rings, no matter where we are, our hearts stop and we hold our breath - could it be that call again and when we answer the phone and hear Allie's voice on the other end you do not breathe until you hear that everything is okay. It will probably always be this way although hopefully, in time, it will lessen and if that is the worst, well, we can deal with that.

Nancy and I were sitting on the deck the other day talking about how life as we know it right now is the calmest it has ever been and then the phone rand, it was Beth Drennan the minister who was the first one on the scene of Allie's accident checking in to see how Allie was doing. It had been a long time since we spoke and it was so good to hear her voice and to be able to give a good report.

For those still still suffering I can only offer the following:

Question everything
Try everything
Never give up hope
Never stop trying new things
Stay as holistic as possible
Always remember that you are in charge
Ask God for gentle healing
Accept and embrace your new life

Full Recovery is an attitude, a life style and a possibility.
God bless you all.
Allie's Dad

May 1, 2010

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Sunday Morning March 21, 2010

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