November 14th, 2008

Well today really will be my last blog. It is a year and a half today and the lord had been good to us. It has been a road. Good? Bad? depends on who you are and if you have every experienced anything like this. Your experiences and the way you interpret them will determine how you view them. My experience has been that this was a blessing - maybe in disguise but a blessing none the less.

Really I am to tired at this time to go any further. It's been a long road and I could go further, however to do so would be to prolong viewing this situation as anything other than normal and Nancy, Matt, Allie and I all agree that from this moment on the world is normal. We have always avoided "labeling" where we were during this time. Cosmically the Universe always gives you what you seek and will always create the place the talk about so by thinking and acting like we would achieve full recovery was not only a coping mechanisim but is also something I believe in - Universal Laws - God's Order, however it makes sense to you.

When faced with a devestating situation you have to develop survival skills; not onlt for your loved ones but for your family, friends, business and others you meet and grieve with along the way. Most people are kind and loving - they understand the situation and react appropriately some are still kind and loving but do not know how to act so they do the best they can and avoid and some are just plain buttholes. Along the way no one created more misery for me and my family than my sister Lauren. People reap what they sew. You know I am really sorry to put this in. I have alway tried to be two things: positive and honest so I had to let people know that even during your darkest hour; when you didn't know it could get any worse, evil shows up. We defeated it - enough said. With God's help, we will always turn back evil.

Right now I am by myself at the beach taking a few days away. This is the first time perhaps in twenty something years I have been alone but it was a necessary trip and I was encouraged to go and get some rest and take some time to reflect. The past 18 months have caught up with me and I realize it is now time to let go and stop being the big strong guy, that would be unfair as there have been so many strong people along the way, my beautiful wife and sole mate has been and continues to be my rock and inspiration, Matt you have always been there providing wisdom far beyond your years. I can not say I wish this did not happen because this is our families experience and it could have been no other way. I am only glad that we are so strong and so solid. Of course Allie has been the strongest of all of us as she continues to push herself in a positive direction, accepting what God has geven her and embracing the opportunity to continue her experience on this earth. It's quite amazing, but she is at peace and happier than she was before the accident. She does not moan or complain about the accident but accepts it as her experience and is moving on

Our little girl and she is all of ours continues to take leaps and bounds in her recovery. Some days hard, some not so hard and I think that the hardest thing for me is to stop being so protective - my biggest fears are that someone will hurt her or will damage the good we have all done however, I must back off now - to do otherwise would be to deny her her destiny. an not continue to thik I know what is best for her. How can live the life of an 18 year old girld through the eyes of a 50 year old man. Heck, at 18 I did not know what I wanted to do with my life and at 50 I still not sure I know but one thing is for sure and that is that I can only live a life of service.

Little Allie is going to school and taking two classes this semester and is registered for three new semester. She may still want to pursue her dream of Broadway but is also following a degree in Elementary Education. She loves kids and they love her. She will be able to make a life for herself and will someday have a loving husband and family of her own.

So what have I learned from this experience?

People have thier own experiences in life and whatever they may be, they are thier own - we can only be there to love and support them.

We must love unconditionally

When you don't think you can handle anymore - you can
When you don't think you are strong enough - you are
When you think God has abandoned you - he hasn't

There are plenty of good doctors and nurses - there are plenty of bad doctors and nurses

You are your loved ones best chances of surviving the hospital - don't ever leave them alone

Prayers work

Stay positive - even if you are sometimes maybe not so positive

Donate to the Ronald McDonald House

Help others - even in your time of need - that is the best time to give

Accept the love, prayers and charity of others with dignity and love

Ask for what you need - there is no pride or dignity in the hospitay, only the raw emotions and goodness of others

Make your wishes know to the doctors, nurses and staff at the hospital and stick to your guns. You are in charge - not them.

Use the internet at the hospital to research what they tell you. Don't believe it when they say it is procedure. Also look up the drugs they are giving - what they are for and what the side - effects may be.

Never check your spelling when you blog - I don't.

So where do we go from here? Where ever our experience takes us! We are just going to ride the wave we call life.

God Bless All of You
Full Recovery - Never a Doubt

Allie's Dad

Just to Clarify - At the moment Full Recovery is a Universal Reality. Soon it will be a physical reality. Mentally, emotionally and spiritually I have not been able to give it the energy it needs. My hands were full and it has been a draining journey. During my time at the beach I have reconnected with God and recomitted to service to God, my family and my community.

Hopefully Full Recovery has helped. I can only say from all of the e-mails I get that is has and it will continue on a larger scale now that we are focusing on healing ourselves so we can help heal others. So stay tuned.

Again, from the bottom of my heart - thank you.

Sat. Morning, Sept 12th

A time of reflection a day of grateful hearts. yesterday morning Allie and I attended the funeral of her young friend Jessie Garren, a beautiful girl, a compassionate soul a soldier for God. Jessie at the young age of 17 went home to be one of God's angels, to sing in the choir of heavenly singers. A beautiful spirit, Jessie had a rare form of cancer, less than 100 cases in the United States.

As an alumni of the Brevard High School Concert Chorus, Allie was invited to sing at the funeral. Allie and Jessie had a special kinship, a soul connection that went deeper than a friendship, they were, in my heart and the hearts of many, the hero girls of Brevard. The brave little girls who were fighting thier injuries and were for all apparent visions, winning, and in some light, they both have. Jessie has been called home to be with her heavenly father, her small frame now cloaked in the fathers light, the pain removed and her new mission broadened. Allie is winning also, she is growing in the light every day, her mental and physical capacities returning to what once was. She continues to expanded her goodness, her being and the essence of her being is so much more Godly - she says Jessie brought her more to the Lord - children helping children.

As we approached the church, Allie was full of apprehension and so was I. She was worried about how she would handle the sight of her friend in an open casket and I also worried about how the stress or surge of emotions would affect her emotional state. Highly emotional events can trigger siezures and this would be a test.

Allie went on aheah of me leaving me to go in by myself. The music was playing and there were pictures celebrating Jessie's life playing on two overhead screens. I cry now as I type, reliving my thoughts of how we, escaped this very event; for I know that God spared us from attending Allie's funeral - but at one time, we were right there. We had released her to heaven and were prepared for her departure.

There is no right or wrong, there is no blame or wondering, There is no asking why me or why Jessie. God has a plan. When a seventeen year old or a five year old or a ninety year old person is called home we can only believe in the big plan and thank God for the time we had together.

A few people in the audience of over 600 commented to me on how good Allie looked and I started to weep. A pictue of Allie and Jessie came up on the overhead and my heart smiled. One child is here today and one is home with our father - it makes you realize you own mortality. Life is fleeting and life is a gift.

As the chorus came on to the stage I saw Allie walk out and it was one of the most beautiful sights I had ever seen. Long black skirt and white blouse, she had a presence around her. It was as beautiful as it was emotional for me. I was watching her come back to life as she sang for one that was departing. An angel on earth singing and leading the way for an angel to return to heaven.

Two thirds of the way through the service Allie left the stage and came to find me. It was time to leave. When I first saw her walking towards me I was struck with fear but innately I knew she was OK. She knew she had had enough and had blessed Jessie and her family and any more would have been damaging to her. I applauded her insight.

I thank Jessie for her courage, her goodness and her loving spirit. I thank her for showing me what a selfless person looks like for in her times of trouble she was always there for Allie and others. If you will remember from one of my initial blogs, while Allie was still in a state where she was not speaking or walking, basically a coma with her eyes open Jessie took the time to purchase her a build a bear, recorded a message of encouragement in it and mailed it to Allie. When I opened it, read the letter and listened to the message I sobbed like a baby. It was one of the biggest acts of kindness and selflessness I had ever experienced. At the time Jessie was undergoing cancer treatment in NYC but she took the time to think of Allie. I thank her parents Marilyn and Kit for sharing thier life with us and for showing us the depth of love and faith that is possible. Thier life should be an inspirational book and I am sure that one day it will be.

Today Jessie is free and I am sure her next assignment will be that of an angel. Today we are all free. Free to choose our path, free to become better people, free to improve our relationships with God, our families and our world. Today our family is better and continues to grow.

I once was lost but now I'm found - was blind but now I see.

Love and Hope - Full Recovery - Never a Doubt

Allie's Dad

Saturday Morning, August 23rd

Again I say, what a difference a day makes, especially with a child who has had a trauma. I do not use words like brain damage because the dictionary defines damage as "injury or harm that reduces value or usefulness" or brain injury because because I do not like what they infer. I am not going to place any limitations on the amount of healing that can occur not am I going to put into my child's mind or my own mind that her most vital organ is damaged or is reduced in usefulness. Instead, I might say she has suffered a temporary traumatic event. Don;t know where that came from but I do not like labels unless they are positve, useful ones.

Back to what a difference a day makes. Last Friday Allie was in the ER with hallicunations and and all kinds of wierd stuff. Then yesterday she attended a local community college. 2 classes, public speaking and theatre appreciation. I waited outside in the parking lot for her and met her between classes. She seemed OK after the first one, so she went to the second. It is so bizzare as Tuesday was the deadline to register and we just acted as if and went through with it. What was the worst that would happen. I mean she was still in the hospital on Tuesday, recoveing from who knows what and no one still knows but how was she ever think she was going to be able to attend class in three days? Was it panic? Was it anxiety? Was it ?????????? Who the heck knows. We just keep searching and hoping and praying and leading by example.

I spoke to my friend Joe Cook yesterday. Many of you have been praying for his daughter Paige and I am going to ask that you continue to do so and if you have a little extra in you, maybe you can pray just a little harder and lets not forget our little friend Rachel. Cars ugh. Three weeks ago I layed my motorcycle down on some wet pavement and went for a long slide. I am OK but please, if you ride and do not wear a helmet, put one on or go visit the neuro ICU. Nuff preaching but my helmet is always on. I can take some scrapes or maybe a broken boke but not a head injury.

To all of my friends who still check in every now and again. Thank you. We love and appreciate you. This is a journey of a thousand steps.

Full Recovery - Never a Doubt
Allie's Dad

Oh by the way, Allie got a tattoo on her left side chest area last thursday. Whatever? It is a little red heart with a treble cleft and a musical note in it. Yes I took her. It is better I am there then to just have her come home with it. She loves it. I think it is a freedom thing or right of passage. You go girl. Be back again soon to let you know how school is going.

Wednesday Evening, August 20th?

As we got home from the hospital last night Allie put on a Tim McGraw song and came to dance with me. I think I fully understand that God wants me to live she said to me and once again I had found my joy but, just two weeks earlier that wasn't the case. I don;t know what happened as thinks were going so well but something did and once again there was fighting, and a lot of discord, to the point that Allie decided that she was moving out - no money, no phone, no car taking only what was hers and leaving a wake of distruction in her path. No reasons, but her own, I guess I know them but will leave them to her. There went all of my dreams and work and effort leaving only with a small bad making the two mile walk in the dark to the main gate of our community. I died that night and the only way I could express my hurt was with harsh words. We cried all night. She was back the next day but I could not forgive and forget, it would take time.

Flash forward to last Friday. As Nancy and I were approaching Beaufort, SC on our 21st wedding anniversary weekend a 4 1/2 hour drive from home we got the call from Allie. She was hurting and didn;t sound good. We got our neightbor over and called our good friend Sabrina to go over. A few minutes later the calls were flying in. We thought at first it was a panic attack or an anxiety induced situation until we hears the screaming and incoherant babble. She could not see and could not move, she was using profanity and it was getting worse quick. Once I heard that she had one pupil large and one small I hung up and called the ambulance. This indicates possible brain swelling. We immediately turned around for a five hour drive home. We didn't know what to expect as we drove, mostly in silence. Would she be OK, would we be OK, we had spoken during the year and wondered if we would have the stregnth to do it again, well we were about to find out.

The ambulance ride was a nightmare but we heard she was calm the whole time but could not turn her head, it was antalgic to the right and she could not see. Was she blind? Oh shit, what now? We had thought we were out of the woods but now wonder if we will ever be. Once at the hospital is when they say she had a seizure in the ambulance. Uhhhh

As we drove we heard that they suspected viral menengitis but that didn't sound right. The did a CAT scan and a lumbar puncture after we got there. The poor baby was so sedated and confused. She didn;t know for days how she got to the hospital or even what happened. They let her come home that night saying there was no organic problems. No virus and no acute brain trauma. Sounded very promising but we were not letting our guard down. Not much sleep that night. Allie was not seeing well and could not find the bathroom in her own room. What the heck - is she blind, was her brain damaged, we were crushed but you don't react, you just help and stay calm on the outside but holy crap, we had no idea.

The next morning I called the neurologist because she was hallucinationg like crazy and was scaring the hell out of us - and by the afternoon she was in room A622 at Mission Hospital in Asheville and I was sleeping on the floor of the hospital once again, confused and unknowing. The hallucinations went on all day and all night and it was quite frightening. The neurologist came by and put her on some medications and then her neurologist came by in the morning. They didn;t seem to concerned but I was. She had not slept or eaten for days and I know that was a huge part of it but for some reason she could not or would not sleep. With a brain injury, sleep is the most important thing you can get in a day. They did an EEG and they could not confirm that she had a seizure so what was it. Basically the little girl had a brain injury which is an unpredictable thing.

Each day she started to get better but was still wobbly and on Tuesday, I told them it was time to go home - no answers and nothing they could do there that we couldn't do at home. Once at home she slept for nine hours last night and hopefully she will get good sleep tonighht and will once and for all understand the importance of being on a schedule. I think it has sunk in.

I really think it is God talking to her and I think she may believe it also. She was going the wrong direction in the beginning and he stopped her and then she started going the wrong way again and he stopped her again. Perhaps it's time to go a different way?

Allie just came into my office and gave me a poem she had written - here it is!

The clutter crowding everything
my room, my sould, my heart, my brain
I don;t want to have regrets
So I carefully look at all my pieces
Keeping all that teaches
Losing all that harms
In time I won't only rely on charm
Life is so important
I can;t waste it
I have to do everything and anything
seeking all that life can bring
Time is fading
There is no time for hating
Always forgive
and remember to Live and let Live
Holding hatred in your heart
can only bring you back to start
You know that's not where you belong
Just ignore it you can go on
You can do it! Just prove yourself
to those who are jealous to those who doubt

I think she is headed for Full Recovery - How about you?

Love and Recovery
Allie's Dad

Thursday Evening, July 25th

Well it sure has been a long time and quite a bit has been happening. In light of a few minor personality clashes and my heart breaking (because she does not need me the way she used to) I would say that God has been very very good to us.

What more can I say except that right now Allie is out with a friend and amazingly as it may sound, she drove herself downtown and will drive herself home. I think back to the days when she way lying in a coma with her head bandaged and now she is driving. She had her final check up with the neurologist the other day and her was very pleased and cleared her to drive. It's all happening so fast but it could not have come at a better time as she was getting extremely bored. We live out in the woods, town is an 18 minute drive and the mall is an hour so she was getting frustrated. I really felt bad for her after a while. Here we have an 18 year old girl that had absolutely no control over her life or over her actions right at the time when she needed to spread her wings. I thank God for the second chance she has recieved. Scared *<^%, you bet but whatever is going to happen is going to happen and there is nothing I nor anyone else can do about it unless we put her in a bubble.

It is so odd but Nancy and I are getting some time together again and it is great. we go out for drives at night with the convertable top down through the countryside and we are at peace. We count our blessings and talk. The amazing part is that we are not worried about being away from her, we do not live every moment in fear that soemthing is going to happen while we are out or that she is going to have a huge blow out with her brother. I thank God because I know not like I always have that she is going to be able to make a life for herself. She is going to recover fully and she is going to be able to go to school if she wants but she will be able to get a job, whatever it may be, she will be able to support herself and she will life a good life. Totally blessed.

At Allie's urging we went back toi the hospital on Tuesday to visit the nurses who loved her so much and it is always wonderful for them to see her. They all gather around so proud and so happy that she is doing so well. She is truly one of thier success stories. We did not get to see Dr. Gardner - my main man - in my eyes the man who brought her back to us with his loving skill. The man is a true vehicle. It is alway nice to go back and not have to stay. I met with one of the hospital administrators while I was there are we are working on getting a Full Recovery Support group started in the hospital. It is so needed. Being away for awhile you can lose touch and that is not something that I ever want to do and I never will.

So mauch happens when a trauma occurs, not only to the person but to the family and it takes so long to recover for everyone.

To my friends and loved ones and those still suffering I wish you a speedy recovery.

From all of us, we love you - keep the faith - God's delay is not God's denial!!

Full recovery - Never a Doubt

Allie's Dad

Wednesday Morning, June 25, 2008

Hi Everyone

Been a little. Here is the scoop. Allie is doing well and certainly growing as a person in all ways. She is certainly growing to a new level and we think it is because she is finally off of all her medications. She is much more "alive" now and in a couple of weeks when her system is totally cleaned out she will probably reach all new levels. She is now initiating and being active and doing workbooks and puzzles, all things she was not doing before. Now when she is sitting watching television she picks up her blue jeans and does cross stitch o them. She has been going to the pool and as of Monday we have let her drive the car to the pool by herself. When her system is cleaned out and she drives with me a few more times we will let her begin driving again - a whole new lease on life.

Allie has been singing at church again and has begun to realize that if she wants to be a singer she has to practice a lot and so now she is singing all of the time. Sweet music. As far as school, who the heck knows and really who the heck cares - if - when- whatever all in good time. We are looking into a tutor to come over the house a few days a week and suprisingly we have met with no resistance in fact Allie said, I trust you and if that's what you think I need then let's do it. Cool.

Well, that's all for now. God bless.

Allie's Dad

Sunday Evening, June 6th

Taken awhile to get back as I know that some of y'all want to know what happened to Allie at the audition. She sang beautifully for the play and was told so by the directors but they did not give her the part. On any other day it would have been hers but this was a very big part and the person was on stage for 2 straight hours; they, like I felt that would have been to much right now but they all love Allie.

Allie is coming off of her medicine slowly (the right way) and will be driving on her own in 4-6 weeks. She is filling out an application for Brevard College and excellent theatre and music college right here in our own little town and I heard a few minutes ago that she went to K-Mart to apply for a summer job. This really inspires me because it shows she is initiating things and wants to get in the work force where her friends are. Yeah!

All is good at home. Matt and I just finished getting our scuba certifications today and it is great to spend time with him and have a sport/hobby in common - something we can do together for many years to come. I like that because we will always be able to go on vacation together (alone) and have that father - son time. Makes me happy. I life I look down the road and create visions of where I see myself and it is a nice vision to see me and him sitting around a dive hotel on a tropical island for a few days just being together - smile!

Quick update, love you all but I have 12,000 pounds of gravel in the driveway that isn't gonna move itself.

Have an AWESOME DAY!

Allie's Dad

PS - I will have a new picture and some video of her singing as soon as I refigure out how