Happy Fathers Day

Good morning everybody

well here it is Father's Day 2010 and I could not be more grateful for the stay. In fact I'm grateful for every day and for all of the blessings God has been gracious enough to bestow upon us. I really don't even know how to begin expressing my thoughts and feelings on this day except to say thank you, for all of the blessings, for all of the lessons, for all of the growth, for all of the change, and for having my family whole on this day.

As I've said before, I have never gone back and reread the blog although one day I too will. There is really only one day or one blog which I can really remember without even having him back to read it and that was the Father's Day blog three years ago. I remember that on that day Allie was on the second floor at Greenville Memorial Hospital. She was out of her coma, and was unable to speak, walk, or do anything for herself but she was alive.

I remember writing, that today there will be no barbecue, no cards, or but that it was the greatest Father's Day that I would ever experience. The amount of love and gratitude and hope and faith and family strength and the love of family and strangers all across the world carry me through that day and no man could ever ask for more.

I have been so blessed in this lifetime and today the realization and actualization of all of these blessings will never be more evident than when I have Father's Day brunch how Allie's house before taking Matthew to his college freshman orientation. I don't know the how or why have long ago stopped looking for the answers. Nancy and I speak often about this blessing and can only make logic of it by accepting that it is God's will for our journey in this lifetime and for Allie's journey.

It is now just over one month in Allie has been living in her own house in downtown Brevard and really doing it this time. She is growing more and more every day and has become one of the most beautiful parts, spirits, and person that I have never met. But beyond that, she understands. She knows who she was, she understands what happened, and she is happy, I mean truly happy with her new self and her new life. Sure she still has some deficits but if I died today, I would die content in the fact of knowing that she would be a will to take care of herself and that she would continue to grow and create a life/the life that she deserves this and that is truly a wonderful feeling. I am just so proud of her because she tries so hard has met with so many setbacks and disappointments and has met each one head-on and with a smile on her face and has continued to move forward overcoming each and every one of them. Today she has a real sense of who she is and she has direction, she has goals, and she has become a self-starter. For anyone out there who has a brain injured child they understand what I'm talking about. Your heart breaks for your child when you think of what could have been, what is and what might be in the future. While I've long stopped thinking about what could have been and maybe that was my blessing because it allowed me to just concentrate and focus not so much on the what is and never on the what could've been but only on the what will be.

I remember looking at her in the hospital with her head bandaged, non-responsive, choose hanging out of everywhere, and just knowing with my whole heart that this child would come back to us while at the same time allowing her the choice to move on and go back home. It gets harder to remember as time goes by all of the emotions that you once felt especially as you watch her grow and become a person again and a person and am so proud of. Today's the day that is beyond my wildest dreams. Allie went grocery shopping with Nancy last night and this morning is preparing products for her daddy in her own house. what a small little thing to be considered such a huge victory but it is these small victories which continue one after another to allow me to see the light at the end of the tunnel but when I consider where she came from even just a few short months ago lying on the couch, kind of confused and in a fog, no friends, no ambition, and always wondering, did I see the beauty in the day and the beauty in the child. I remember before the accident to relationship that Allie and I had. It was not a good one. There was no love there was only anger and trauma and everything in the world was about Allie. My how things have changed since then because the love that I feel for her today, is the greatest love of father could have for a child. It is truly a miracle.

So on the special Father's Day, I would like for everyone to know how thankful I am for all of their support and I would like to send out Father's Day wishes to every father out there.I pray for you and I pray you will receive all of the same blessings which I have received and more.

Heavenly father, on this special day and on every day I thank you for the gifts which you give me and for the blessings which you bestow upon me. I pray you will continue to let Ally grow in the toolmaker growth and her recovery fast and gentle. Thank you for giving me the strength to continue seeking new avenues of growth and for giving me the courage to be the man that I have become.

The biggest Father's Day gift for me is that I have finally reached a place of peace. By that I mean that I can live my day and I do not live in fear that every time the phone rings is going to be a call from a policeman or a hospital or an ambulance or that something is wrong. I was never sure that this feeling would ever go away but with each passing day it is going away and now when the phone rings I am not afraid because I know at the other end of the line will be a happy little voice just calling to say that everything is well and that she is happy and that she loves us and that is the greatest gift I could ever dream of.

My love and best wishes to every father out there, and every family out there. I keep you and hold you all in my heart.

Allie's dad

Tuesday Morning, Mat 14th, 2010

Good Morning All

Today marks the three year anniversary of Allie's accident and hopefully this may be my last blog. It seems like only yesterday when we received the call from the hospital letting us know of Allie's accident and my body still tingles when I think of it. So where do I start?

Let me begin by thanking everyone for the love and support they have offered over the years and for the gifts and cards they continue to send to Allie during her journey. Your love and inspiration have carried us through the darkest of times and has shown us the power of prayer on its highest level. Your kindness and generosity has touched our hearts in places we did not even know they could be touched.

It has been an unbelievable journey and when they said in the hospital to save our energy, because brain injuries were marathons, they were not kidding. The fatigue of the Boston Marathon pales in comparison (not that I ever ran it but..)

This journey, with all of its ups and downs and fears and tears has been and always will be a blessing for all of us because for the first time in her life Allie is happy. Her dreams of Broadway may be gone but again a blessing because Allie has learned to accept herself for who she is and has said that if she knew the accident was going to happen, she would still have taken the same route that night because she has loves the person she has become. Wow.

On the anniversary of her accident Allie is fulfilling one of her dreams and that is to move into her own place downtown. She has lived on her own on and off for the last year and at times we have looked back during her recovery and wondered if what we were doing was right but in the end, I guess it was. All things for a reason.  We have had our issues and continue to overcome them and I am sure there will be more down the road but I now consider them teenage issues instead of brain injury issues.

A few days ago while Allie and I were out at breakfast, I asked her if she considered herself disabled in any way and she thought for a moment and answered that she did not. As we talked I told her that one of the reasons we fought some times and why I pushed her was because I never thought of her as disabled and I was not going to allow her to "play the disabled card" which could happen at times. Nancy and I have become much more philosophical over the years and realize that you can consider this a gift from God or we could have fallen into a victim consciousness and allowed it to ruin us. We choose to consider it a gift and a new journey.

At school, Allie is doing amazing as she just finished up two classes (intro to algebra and public speaking) and got a "B" in both classes. This is HUGE and we are all so proud of her. She drove herself to class everyday and with a little prompting she stayed organized and on track completing all of her assignments on her own. When I think back three years, which is becoming harder and harder to do, I am in awe of how far she has come. She is registered for a summer class and is currently looking for part-time work.

Today Allie dreams of sharing her love for children by becoming a special ed. elementary school teacher. She still sings at times and continues to make me watch America's Next Top Model with her and I love every minute of it.

It is so weird. As Allie continues to grow, she of course becomes more independent and less needy. I find that I miss the days when we would just get in the car to drive and we would spend hours just talking and driving but for as much as I miss our time together, I am just so proud of the way she continues to face life head on with enthusiasm and courage.It is interesting to see how the student has become the teacher because she has taught me so much more than I have taught her.

Although we have gone through the worst of it and God has seen fit to bless us with the return of our daughter and Full Recover is a reality, there are the everyday reminders which follow us day to day as we continue the process; probably the worst being that every time a phone rings, no matter where we are, our hearts stop and we hold our breath - could it be that call again and when we answer the phone and hear Allie's voice on the other end you do not breathe until you hear that everything is okay. It will probably always be this way although hopefully, in time, it will lessen and if that is the worst, well, we can deal with that.

Nancy and I were sitting on the deck the other day talking about how life as we know it right now is the calmest it has ever been and then the phone rand, it was Beth Drennan the minister who was the first one on the scene of Allie's accident checking in to see how Allie was doing. It had been a long time since we spoke and it was so good to hear her voice and to be able to give a good report.

For those still still suffering I can only offer the following:

Question everything
Try everything
Never give up hope
Never stop trying new things
Stay as holistic as possible
Always remember that you are in charge
Ask God for gentle healing
Accept and embrace your new life

Full Recovery is an attitude, a life style and a possibility.
God bless you all.
Allie's Dad