December 2010 - What the Fuck?

Once again my mind is boggled. Allie was asleep in her bed at home recovering from her second episode of the week. What the heck is going on?

What is an episode? An episode is with Allie complains of tingling in her left arm which then turns into a full-blown who the hell knows what it is. She becomes very disoriented and loses all ability to move her left arm. She also gets the paralysis in the left side of her face (it twitches first). The left side of her mouth droops and her speech slurs. She loses her ability to drive or function in many ways and it causes her a lot of pain - "as if someone is squeezing her arm very tightly.

I feel so bad for her and question where this is coming from - brain healing, some sort of disregulation or possibly something else. Usually after a good nights sleep, she is fine in the morning but..... who knows? As she lie there sleeping - I wonder. The worse parts are when she asks when the pain will go away and the other day she asked me if she will ever be able to work or act or live normally because of her fear of these episodes. That is the pain.

For all intensive purposes, no one knows what a family in crisis goes through. Everyone is under the assumption that she is fine and normal and doing all of the things that normal 20 year olds do. No so.

Could it be panic and anxiety attacks? that is what I am beginning to believe as she exhibits the symptoms of panic attack and not seizure/ She has a final in a class today which may be stressing her out, she just started meeting with a therapist. Plus, she was so excited to be cast in a Brevard Little Theater plan and 3 night before the show, she had an episode during play rehearsal. The next day the director informed her that he was taking here our of the show - fear. It was a crushing blow to Allie and even though she appeared to be able to rationalize it the pain that was in her heart may be to much for her to bear. Fear, rejection, lack of friends. long days with not much to do and no one to hang out with on top of the pressures of school and everyday life.... Who knows? All I know is that she is my little girl and I will continue to search for new ways.