Wednesday Evening, August 22nd

2nd Update

Allie fell asleep at 7:30, the poor dear was so tired all day long and went through so many tests, thank goodness she finally conked out. She looked so little ans so innocent as she hugged the blankes and said good night, then in a weak little voice she said I love you and I just felt so small myself.

Nancy and I drove over to K-Mart to pick up some clothes and I decided to walk back to the hospital. On the way back I kept running over the day and how each of us handled what was happening. I remember feeling so helpless as we drove down the hill with Allie just saying how her life was ruined and repeating that she just wanted to die asking me to kill her and how I just kept reassuring her that everything would be OK to which she would reply how do you know, have you ever felt this way?

I remembered how my heart sank when I got home this morning and I saw her sweet little face and she was drooling as she spoke because of the paralysis and thinking OH my God as my heart sank. The feelign was just pure love and wanting to help her and hold her but there was no time we just sprunf into action. I remembered how I put her shoes on and when she stood up and started looking around and when I asked her what she was looking for she said her left shoe, when I told her it was on her foot she told me she couldn't feel it and I was going down the rabbit hole quickly but no time, had to go. All the while as she picked up her left hand with her right hand to get moving she never once seemed sad or upset. She couldn;t walk down the stairs so we had to go out the side door and around the house and yet she did not understand the urgency we had in our voices.

It's hard to understand how much you can love someone especially when they are so vulnerable and unable to assess the situation. Just cut my arm off she said, I'm right handed and don't really use it anyhow. How can you not just crumble. She then looks at you with her short hair and cherub face and starts to cry becaus eshe is either understanding the gravity of the situation or she is in so much pain or both.

I remembered her getting lifted into the ambulabce and giving me a thumbs up and saying she loves me before they closed the door and all I wanted them to do was drive as fast as possible.
I remember how much the IV line hurt her today and how much she cried that she wanted to go home, home much she hated the hospital and everyone in it and how she called Nancy a bitch and me a f%$K and how much we loved her in return and how we then walked to the gift shop together like we used to and talked and bought chocolate and then walked back.

So many thoughts, so many emotions, God working in strange ways. I came back to the NeuroICU to type this blog, where it all started on the very machine that I wrote the first blog on; it seemed only right.

Poor Allie is so confused, she seemed to ahve regressed mentally a bit but is just so happy and blissful and it hurts my heart to see her the way she is. I know she will make a Full Recovery but I also know that we will love her and take care of her forever. I want nothing more than to hug her and tell her everything will be OK, to see her happy in a different way, right now she is happy in a different emotional way, in a cute, young, innocent 4 year old way. I know it is coming and for as good as I know it will turn out, my heart breaks tonight.

Once again I long for tomorrow.

Allie's dad